Friday, February 17, 2006

Unseen (Accurate!) Movie Reviews

Failure To Look In Mirror Before Going Out.

The old saying is that you can't judge a book by its cover.

However, you can ( least I can) judge a movie by its trailer.

In Part One of a continuing series, I present to you the Unseen (Accurate!) Movie Review for the film Failure To Launch, starring Matthew McNakedonpotahey and Sarah Horseface Bueller.

The Yahoo! Movie summary provides the following:

A thirtysomething man who still lives with his parents falls in love with the woman of his dreams and begins to suspect she has been hired by his parents as a way to get him out of the house.

Does it get any better than two fortysomething actors playing thirtysomething roles in a gimmicky romantic comedy targeted toward middle-aged housewives who think that Sex And The City is the television equivalent of the Analects of Confucius? I think not.

Let's look at the trailer, shall we?

My, my...

Starbucks, flying sushi, Hobblin' Annie Wilkes, & Terry Bradshaw. Who could possibly ask for more?

Would-be movie goers, let this be a red-alert to you: Whenever you see in a film trailer that Terry Bradshaw has been cast in a speaking role, save your $8.75 and stay far, far away. Don't even put the movie in your "maybe I'll rent that later" list. Throw away the television on which you viewed the trailer. Disinfect the carpet where the television formerly sat.

This was obviously an attempt on the part of the filmmakers to attract male slack-jawed yokels who may not have otherwise been persuaded to attend a romantic comedy. And, undoubtedly, this tactic will work on many thousands of these poor souls, driving them from their Sunday recliners, garbage bag-sized sacks of pork rinds and Van Damme movie marathons on WTBS.

The bottom line is that you'd be better off taking your $8.75 and eating it, flushing it, or donating it to the Help Bill Gates Retire Comfortably Fund.

This film is complete and utter crap. Failure To Launch? More like Failure To Act. Failure To Deliver Screenplay Worth A Shit. Failure To Think. Take your pick.

Film: Failure To Launch
Rating: *

Explanation of Rating System:
* Complete and Utter Crap
** Generally Craptastic, With Some Very Minor Redeeming Qualities
*** Passable, With Slight Hint Of Crappiness
**** No Crappiness At All
***** Approaching Masterpiece, The Complete Opposite of Crap
****** Masterpiece


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